Just Drive

Don’t talk to me, just drive.
Drive without speaking,
into the threshold of night.
Turn up the music.
Drive out anything
other than music.
Lyrics unheard, rhythm engulfing,
Music spiralling deep in my heart,
lifting the stopper on feelings,
tuning them in and blocking out thought.
Enshroud me in metal,
in silence, in grey light.
Numb my mind with music
and let me heal.

car window

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

Mind The Gap

Here I am, swaying on the inbound train.
The seat warm from someone else, tea in styrofoam, personal space invaders and noisy conversations.
Rushing from meeting to meeting.
I should be preparing but instead, I’m daydreaming, looking out
At woodlands and slumbering trees, muddy fields and blasted oaks, sheep and horses clumping in the gorsey heath.
And catching glimpses of strangers’ lives – peering into homes and gardens,
And whizzing past passengers waiting at stations, caught in the space between leaving and arriving.
I should be reading the agenda but I’m thinking back to journeys gone.
Could I have imagined myself thus all those years ahead?
I think I thought, deep down, that life stopped with marriage and babies.
What would I have thought at twenty-one?
All those train journeys we took
From Chichester to Southampton to Salisbury to Neath to Kingston to Hove.
What if I’d looked at a woman, older, a proper grown up, staring out of the window day dreaming and known it was me?
What happened to all those years?
The gaps grew between hopes and reality, between plans and fate.
The same face is reflected in the glass,
Just older, plumper, the hair coloured but not for fun,
The smart office clothes I longed for then and loathe now.
The yearning to be at home creating and the job which pays the bills.
But across the gap the linked hands reach out from those barely remembered days.
The journeys I took with Deb and Mo, laughing on the train, imagining our futures.
How could we have envisaged me in the far off middle years, sitting on a train
Messenging them in their small corners far away –
The gap traversed by magic.

mind the gap

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

Aftermath

When I held you first in my arms I knew
Somewhere your brand new existence
Represented something to be destroyed.
Why?
I wanted you to grow up;
In love with variety;
To look for beauty in every genre
Of music, literature, art, humanity.
I wanted you to see a world full of
Strange faces: varying colours, headwear,
Hear different languages and be
Fascinated by difference not repulsed;
To see the person not the generalisation.
To believe or not believe yet understand belief;
Not let any man’s imperfect interpretation
Form an immovable, uncompromising view.
How can I imagine bringing you up to hate
When love is the only thing which has meaning?
Yet the world is in fear of fools who lie
And believe a lie and enforce a lie.
They do not speak for anyone’s god
They have a different master –
One who wants to divide and aims to demolish
Until there is nothing left to wipe out.
You are nearly adults now.
I am about to let you out in the world
To put you in the trust of strangers
To know that you will be on buses
And trains and planes
And sit in restaurants and theatres
Without me.
And I pray that in the end
The fear will not devour you or us but
Consume itself in the face of love.
And today, full of tears of grief and anger
I wish I could reach and touch
The mothers who feel lost and empty,
Overwhelmed by darkness and loss.
Not just the mothers;
Not just the parents and friends or lovers
Whose faces and culture I understand
Whose country I love;
But everyone everywhere who woke yesterday
Wanting nothing but to love and live
And bring up their children
In peace
But had to face the gun instead.

Reflection 6

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

In Shifting Sands

In the valley of shifting sand dunes
I search.
Lost, I stare around me.
Disabled, terrified to move
Should I turn? And if so
This way or that?
Look up or down?
Fearful, confused
My whole self is lost
My soul is sinking fast
My life is already half buried.
The sand shifts under me
Forwards or backwards?
I cannot decide.
The sun blazes and my tears
Scald themselves dry;
My thoughts tumble
and spin in tumult.
What can I do?
What will become of me?
I am lost.
Someone please
Someone tell me
Where did I drop my phone?

sand queryCopyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

Check out other people’s entries in the Thin Spiral Notebook

This Summer

Here is the pale shady tree
and here is Summer returned:
silken breath of sweet smooth heat
under the rippling boughs
and the trickling leaves…
But where are we?

The sky is just the same blue.
The sun, as hot, still stares,
cold into this pool-like world.
The grasses heave and sigh
with flowers floating
but you and I…

Promises have fled like months;
burnt in pyres of Autumn leaves –
the ashes tumbling in floods
or scattered, for the world
to mock, by the winds…
Ripped up like us.

I have walked this far and stop
to stand and gaze where once before
I never gazed. And where the haze
reflects abundant gifts –
the breeze dissolves pain
into new peace.

Here is the pale shady tree
and here is Summer returned:
silken breath of sweet smooth heat
under the rippling boughs
and the trickling leaves…
Let me pause here.

tree in summer

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

Temperate

Do I reflect the island of my birth
Do seas of reserve bind my own extremes
Restrain my storms of wrath and frivolous mirth
Becalm with blue and grey and dappled green?

No. Under my stillness, my features shut
Betrayal starves my broken heart with cold
Loving scorches my heart with brands so hot
Anger storms grumble, rolling round my soul

My land’s not calm: its sun burns, its seas race
And passion lies neath the placidness of my face.

SNV31814

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

Cliff Face

SNV31422

Lost
Hanging onto the edge
“Don’t look down” –
If I fall, there’s no way up
“Don’t look up” –
I’ll be overwhelmed
“Don’t look over” –
Tantalising yet distant
If I take one step
It might be over
Or night will descend.
I press my face to the wall
Nothing but blank rock
“Hold on”
Maybe
Someone can help
“Look down” – I’ve come so far
“Look up” – I’m nearly there
I lift my face and
Look sideways – I am not on my own
I will reach out one finger
I will take one step sideways
I will hold out for the light

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission

Mystery

Do I know everything about you?
No, thank goodness
You are still a mystery some of the time.
Do you know everything about me?
No, thank goodness
I still don’t know myself.
We can sit in silence
In our own worlds
But not feel alone.
I suspect…
you are thinking of sailing
or
how to tackle that repair
or
wondering if you should buy a motorbike again
You suspect…
I am thinking of other worlds
Words tumbling over themselves
Knitting into stories or poems.
And we’d both be right.
In the midst of this
We can touch hands,
We can share a kiss.
I love you because
we don’t always have to talk, to do, to be.
When we need to
we can live in our private worlds
Together.

Copyright 2016 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permissionrose

Blue is, Blue is Not

Blue is for uniforms.

Teenage girls reluctant in boring old sensible navy blue.
Blue to make us all look the same.
Me and Susan and Annette.
But it didn’t of course:
Short or curvy or thin or tall or a mix of these things
We simply looked ourselves in navy
No, blue is not just for uniforms.

Blue is dreary, depressing, sad.

No, blue does not have to be an apologetic tint
Like white that got in with the navy wash.
And neither do I –

I can like blue but not be uniform,
Like blue but not be indistinct.

Blue is cold.

What about peacock or turquoise or teal?
Those warm blues, sultry blues, Moroccan blues,
The colours of possibility
The open sky, the open road,
Mystery of Indian sapphires,
In them I feel sensuous, rich, warm, adventurous.

Blue is dull.
Oh but think of the wine dark blue of winter
Brightened with pink or red
The colour of cuddles by the fire
Of spicy plums and apples and blackberries
In Latin there is no proper word for blue
Caeruleus covers everything
From wine dark sea to stone washed jeans.
In blue I can feel the moods of the skies:
In October I wore fine sophisticated Delft
Blue and white, fine patterning on
a flattering summer dress
I felt grown up and pretty
Sipping my anniversary wine
in a charming side street restaurant.
This week wearing dark blue
Like the bruised dusky sky
When the clocks went back.

Oh blue.  It is the colour of calm.

Perhaps.  But it is the colour of water.
And water has many moods.
Under the water the feet of the calm swan
Paddle madly.

Blue is the colour of sky but
The blue can hide the coming heat
Or the coming storm.

I can look calm.
But I am not.
Underneath, I whir with possibilities.
I can wear the uniform
But I am not the uniform
I am, finally, myself.