How does the saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ make you feel?
I was about five, reporting being bullied, when I first heard it.
Two adults who should have known better were the ones who said them.
One was a teacher, the first in a long line who went on to say ‘just keep away from the bullies and they’ll keep away from you’ and went off to have tea in the staff-room. Obviously, that’s exactly what bullies do, isn’t it? They would never think of pursuing you. Of course not. What she meant (I hope) was ‘don’t show them that they are getting to you.’ What I heard was ‘don’t bother me with your problems. I don’t care about you.’
The other was an adult family member, who followed it up with ‘you just have to put up with it, it makes you strong.’ I suspect she was trying to help. What she meant (I think) was ‘don’t let them get to you. Pretend you don’t care.’ What I heard was ‘don’t make a fuss. Good girls keep quiet.’
Either way, I heard, ‘you’re not important.’
Words can undermine.
As I grew up, there was more advice to keep away from the bullies so they’d keep away from me; there was the teacher that called me stupid in front of the whole class; there were the bullies themselves who taunted about short legs, puberty, old fashionedness, nationality, reading too many books, (or not reading the right books); there were great aunts who (in my hearing) compared me unfavourably with my sister and my girl-cousin; there was the grandmother who (again in my hearing) expressed her utter disappointment at all my failings to virtual strangers; there were the teenage friends who criticised my clothes, hair and make-up until I felt strange and out of kilter, leaving them to the lime-light; there were the adult friends that weedled endless favours, getting me to be the one to make a fool of herself but refused to give quite reasonable, unhumiliating favours in return and complained I was being needy by asking.
Words can be the first step to violence.
Professionally, I have had some involvement in raising awareness into domestic violence. Domestic violence almost always starts with a slow undermining of the personality of the victim. ‘You’re not … enough’ (pretty/clever/earning/interesting/sexual/supportive… whatever wounds the most). ‘Your achievements aren’t worth celebrating but let me remind you constantly of your failings.’ ‘Your family is not … your friends are not…’ In the end the victim hears ‘you are nothing. You are less than nothing. You deserve everything you get.’ The victim will end up saying ‘it was my fault I got hit, I shouldn’t have been so….’
Words can devastate.
Recently, I saw a Facebook post in which someone said that she wanted to celebrate how through running she’d had lost a significant amount of weight and got considerably fitter, yet her own mother said she was still fat and lazy. Reply after reply from complete strangers told her not to listen, often providing examples of how they’d overcome similar experiences. I have good friends virtually destroyed by things said by mothers. The words were so cruel and so wounding that they have been carved indelibly into hearts and minds as if with a poisoned dagger. The impact rebounds on the next generation and the toxin seeps into relationships that want to heal.
Many people, even if not suffering the extremes of domestic violence or mental abuse, are scarred by thoughtless or deliberately unkind words.
It is human nature to remember the bad and forget the good. We judge ourselves by the words of people who don’t deserve to be listened to rather than those said by people who love us.
I would like to be charitable to my one grandmother and think that she was trying to toughen me up as she had been. However, I could do nothing right for her. It’s probably as well that I could do nothing wrong for the other grandmother or I’d have reached adulthood with no spirit left at all.
The reality is that all the cruel words I heard, well into adulthood, made me believe that somehow or other I wasn’t worth much. There were plenty of nice things said to me too, but I don’t recall them as clearly. Many of the hurtful things were said by people who were supposed to be friends. I felt I had failed them somehow. But eventually, at some point in the last few years, I realised that I hadn’t deserve to be treated with such disregard.
My mother used to say ‘if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it’ but that is not always possible. There is a place for people to be honest, for constructive criticism. None of us is perfect and it doesn’t do us any favours to think we are. But the person who needs to convey that criticism has a choice as to how to express themselves.
If you’re that person, think before you speak. What are you trying to achieve? Do you want the recipient to be the best they can be or do you want to crush them? Do you want them to learn and grow or do you want to make yourself look strong and clever? Your words could make them rebellious or dangerous, broken or even suicidal. Or your words could build them up. Which result do you want to be responsible for?
If you are someone who is wounded by vicious or careless words:
Don’t judge yourself by cruel words people say but turn to the people who truly care.
Please seek help, don’t struggle with the pain on your own.
Repeat to yourself:
They are the ones who are WRONG.
I do NOT deserve to be treated badly.
I AM important.
The world needs ME.
I HAVE INFINITE WORTH.
IF you are affected by any of the issues in this article, here are some helplines. Please seek help. Someone is ready to listen.
Bullied at school or work? Click here for help
Words and photograph copyright 2017 by Paula Harmon. All rights belong to the author and material may not be copied without the author’s express permission
Excellent Paula. Very thought provoking.
thank you
I suspect a lot of people would relate to this Paula including the bullies. It’s good to be reminded that we aren’t what people say to us or how we were treated. I still have issues with what people, especially family, have said to me over the years. It was called home truths! And being the younger member of a big family there were lots of them.
Indeed but often people who like to give home truths don’t like to receive them!
I related to it well as i experienced similar. Words hurt! Words are weapons for anyone
Complex issues. We all deal, in some way, with the failures of our parents; with childhood trauma that shapes us. Some people never reach the realisation that they matter, that their life is important. Glib, trite, thoughtless responses however well intended can be as deeply hurtful verbal abuse. As you clearly demonstrate, what is said is not always what is received. communication is received through our own learned bias. When we change how we think about ourselves we change how we see the world.
I think it’s only something I’ve realised as I’ve grown up that what I heard was perhaps not what was meant and it’s a wake up call to myself too, to try and build up not cut down.
Thank you for sharing this Paula. The words of a mother or another close family member leave indelible prints in our hearts and minds. As you said, we remember the bad before we remember the good. Thank God for your other grandmother, the one who you could do no wrong. I had a grandmother that helped me to survive my mother’s harsh words.
Thanks Lynette. I’m sorry to hear about your mother, I have friends so damaged by theirs that I thank God for mine and for my lovely grandmother. I’m glad that your lovely grandmother was there to keep you built up.
Lynette, somehow I have become disconnected with your memoir blog. Can you please sign me up for it again? Thanks. Diane dianemtaylor.com
That must be a glitch in WordPress. Check the Follow button for my blog. Let me know if that works.
Reblogged this on Memoir Notes.
Thank you for sharing this, Paula. I know these feelings all too well: https://mawrgorshin.com/2017/02/27/a-narcissists-flying-monkeys/
Thanks Mawr. Your post is really moving. I have a friend who would find it really helpful and will repost it.
Thanks. To get the whole story, though, you need to read my posts on ‘Emotional Abuse’, ‘Narcissism In the Family’, and ‘Complex PTSD’. Links are in ‘A Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys’. 🙂
I will. Am trying to pick the right moment to share with my friend.
All of the posts are really long, since long-winded, for good or ill, is my style. I can understand if you don’t get to them in a hurry. So much of it is such a s0b-story. lol
A better saying, which I heard from a prof in an advanced course for ESL teachers years ago and I’ve kept it close:
“Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break your heart.”
Excellent
Mine was… Words can never hurt me…. Trust me they do
Thank you for writing this. Words have more power than anything. I have experienced how terrible verbal and emotional abuse can be, how someone’s words can completely strip you of your sense of self and your identity. Thank you for bringing attention to this.
I’m sorry to hear of your experiences. I hope that you have found good supportive people who can use words to build you up. It is awful to see the pain people experience for no reason.
Thank you! Fortunately I have very supportive people (outside of my program) in my life.
I completely agree. Words are the most powerful of weapons even to weakest physical person. In my case those words scarred me forever. My blog was hard for me write but feel better
In my recent blog on my bullying experience i wrote the same! ‘Sticks and stones my break my bones but words can never hurt me’ – words wounded me so much deeper than any physical bullying. They tear into the heart and rip out the emotion deeper and scarred me forever. But now I am stronger. I wrote my blog of which i had never told anyone before. I enjoyed your excellent blog. Took alot for me write mine on bullying experience. Words hurt and are powerful
I hope writing about it helped you a little. The more people say about it, the more power it takes away from the bullies.
Yes it made me feel liberated. If you want to read it id be honoured
Of course – have you got a link? Happy to add it to the post.